I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
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ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Spell check is for lasers.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it