@AndyAsAdjective: "I" before "E", except after "C". That's an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep...efficient.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Cashier: "Sir, the toilet paper you're buying goes on sale tomorrow." "COOL, I'LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN."
@Marcmywords2: Hey Dad, your neighbor called, they wanna know if you could turn down your TV, they've already heard this episode of Law & Order.
@NicestHippo: [museum tour in the future] Racism and sexism ended in the 21st century, when brave Americans argued it out of existence online
@TheDailySchmuck: They say all of this started because Eve ate an apple. Clearly, the book was altered. Everyone knows it had to be chocolate.