@AndyAsAdjective: "I" before "E", except after "C". That's an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep...efficient.
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@R0ckG0d88: My dog can't hear me when I yell at him to stop chewing on my flip flop but he can hear the crinkle of the Dorito bag from 3 counties over.
@markleggett: You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on "cheat days" when you can eat as many as you like.
@thestlouisan: -Crowded Restaurant- Me: Table for four, please. [seated] Me: Now, to get married & have two kids...
@joeldanger: When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T's on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.