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@meganamram: "I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
@amazymay72x: You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill...
@knot_eye: I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein's IQ but I couldn't get it under 140.
@SirEviscerate: [JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
[YOU DIDN'T THINK]
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
@The_Separatist_: I don't hate you because you're beautiful...
@JennyJohnsonHi5: If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.