“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
i meant to share this earlier
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff