@meganamram: "I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
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@chrissyteigen: If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It's like a talk show giveaway!
@SuperTeeWhy: Jaws (2015): "(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you're on your way great thanks"
@bourgeoisalien: I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you're an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
@beefman138: *Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door* Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out! Me : Uh... yeah. The kids.