I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
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[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*