@qikipedia: I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
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@Book_Krazy: *[At the dinner table]* "No grandma, those aren't knitting needles. We're having Chinese food"
@XplodingUnicorn: Teacher: Fill out the parent form. Me: Why? Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble. Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
@donni: CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That'll be $3.25 DUCK: Can you put it on my bill? CASHIER: That's not where it goes, silly