I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
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Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us