I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
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“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00