I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
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I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
My love language is hissing.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!