I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
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The government even made aliens boring
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
paddle faster i hear baby shark
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up