I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
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Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate