I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
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I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING