“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
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Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay