it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
You Might Also Like
Always leave them wanting their money back.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
adding to the discourse
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…