Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
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A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME