I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
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George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..