I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
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Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Storm Tropical Storm
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Make new friends? bro out of what?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!