A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
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I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.