I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
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Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.