I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
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In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
*looks at you in batman voice*
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.