I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
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HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Best spot.. 😅
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.