The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
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My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.