Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
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Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
cyclists
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
#CatsOnTwitter
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.