Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
You Might Also Like
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity