Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
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The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.