@RadOrDie: I bet a lot more people would read the Bible if it was called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.
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@trevso_electric: Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
@topaz_kell: [talking to myself in the mirror] "You will not be awkward today." Person: "Hey" Me: "Good. How are you?"
@AndyAsAdjective: [my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get] ME: *does Madonna's Vogue choreography for 45 min*
@StupidSophia_: Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."