You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
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ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives