@bridger_w: I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn't have to worry about ghosts
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@ElgatoEsmio: [sketchy parking lot] stranger: hey man, can you jump my car? me: maybe if i get a running start
@Brentweets: I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I'm never going to be popular
@Dawn_M_: Don't date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it's teeth at you.
@YoungNobler: Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016