I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
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I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My current situation
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.