I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
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i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I’m crying im so happy for them
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.