Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
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In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.