@TheMichaelRock: I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn't punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
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@heatherlou_: I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
@ojedge: [cash4gold] Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] "How much is this worth?" "It's 25 carats…" [8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
@thomaslennon: Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you're supposed to pick them up?
@shariv67: Parents tell you their baby's weight because they have no other information. They can't say "Meet Jim, a free spirit who's into yodeling."