I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
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I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.