I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
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DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.