I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
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does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
kevin is now a local weatherman