I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
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’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.