* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand