I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
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[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Eggs benadryl my favourite
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
#MeanwhileinCanada
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing