*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
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Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
#inspiration #foodforthought
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex