So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
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me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good