@kumailn: "I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him."-Nobody in Assassin's Creed
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@philco816: Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.
@david8hughes: [family game night] Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now? Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
@JimmerThatisAll: This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don't count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
@CulturedRuffian: When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.