@kumailn: "I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him."-Nobody in Assassin's Creed
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@EndhooS: *Wife walks in, the house is trashed* "OMG..we've been burgled" *I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear* HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
@TheTweetOfGod: Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It's the most important meal.
@SirEviscerate: ME: I was left in the woods as a baby. DATE: So, were you raised by wolves? ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
@jonesination: "The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.