Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
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There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.