My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
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Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
*cough*
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs