I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
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I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.