I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
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I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
meow
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em