first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
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Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
everyone has that one prude friend
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
*pronounces fake like saké*
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.