I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
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This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
what could possibly go wrong?
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t