I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
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MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.