Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
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Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
🍛
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.