If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
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DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has