santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
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Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.