I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
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Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
mood
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
The first one, obviously
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room