I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
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*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.