I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
You Might Also Like
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I WON A HAM TODAY
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’