I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”