I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
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Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Attacked by a mop.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer