I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
No Google it does not